How many people roll their eyes when you hear someone say they are “Finding” themselves? Seems to be a common theme in my generation, taking a gap year to “find yourself”, taking up hobbies, sabbaticals, etc.
That is why I had to really think about the title to this post. First I thought “How I found myself”, that sounded a bit preachy. Then came “How I am finding myself” but this isn’t really a post to give you directions to finding me. “Finding me is fun” bothered me less but still had this idea of lost and found which doesn’t sit right.
Then it hit me. Uncovering me is fun. Now there are several of you that may need to lean over and take your minds out the gutter at this point, I will wait while you wipe them off…
I am referring uncovering what makes my light shine from within. Also, uncovering my body from the excess blanket of weight but mostly just breaking free of some kind of protective layers that have stopped me from doing things that made me happy before.
I have never been a skinny girl, but there was a time where my weight did not stop me from having fun. A friend shared a conversation with me once where a mutual friend said he felt uncomfortable around fat people, when my friend asked him what about me, he said “Hila doesn’t ACT fat” because I really didn’y. From going out to meeting people, making new friends, experiencing new things, I enjoyed being me. Over time, I let negativity get the better of me; I turned myself into an introvert. I refused to go out if The Husband didn’t come with and when I did venture out on my own I was normally home before 12.
I had convinced myself that I much rather stay home and watch TV then go out and be surrounded by people. This is not me, this has never been me. Sure I would have weekends where I was touched out and needed to regroup but not this. I had started to confuse the cabin fever I was feeling with anxiety about going out. I was out of touch with me.
2 and a bit months ago I decided to pull up my big girl pants and go to a party without Jack. The minute I got there I put my phone away and just socialized my little heart out. I got involved in conversations with strangers, who are not strangers anymore. I spoke to people who I was too shy to approach before and found in them the kind of friends I needed and I just enjoyed the energy and happiness of being there. I didn’t check the time until I got home and sent a message to my friend to let him know I was safe. 04:00. Yes AM!
Seems like the smallest thing but catalysts normally are. Suddenly I was saying yes to a lot more invitations but also no to many others that I realized did not fit in with my newly rediscovered happiness. I connected with people who I have been wanting to connect with for so long and you may even see them feature here from time to time as they now fill my life a little bit more with the kind of love it needs.
I am reconnecting with my creativity, with my love for being around people, with my inner night owl and it’s starting to show physically too (not just in the fact that I end up exhausted after a weekend of fun nights and full days). Releasing the layers of emotional protection comes with releasing the physical protection too. CMs are falling off, clothes are fitting better, moving is easier, being me is becoming something I enjoy.
I didn’t lose myself, I hid myself away. Peek-a-boo…I see me!